my vocabulary is too small

Apartment searching. To any New Yorkers out there, you know that these two words pretty much are synonymous with “another part-time job.”

What you may not know, however, is that the process of apartment searching – aside from loosely representing a dry-hump version of online dating through Craigslist – is a comedic goldmine. Ridiculous apartments, ridiculous roommates, ridiculous locations, and most of all, ridiculous Craigslist ads.

I get it, people have standards for who they want to live with. Personally, I don’t want to live with a sloppy person (think living with girls will solve this problem? Think again. I quickly learned that the amount of dust and mold in your home is not strongly correlated with whether or not there is an abundance of penis.), but that’s a pretty measurable quality. All I need to do is see how clean the place is, and ask how neat the roommates like their things.

Don’t want to live with pets? Ask if the person has pets.
Don’t want to live with smokers? Ask if they smoke.
Don’t want to live with douchebags? Ask…?

No, seriously. What? When you post an ad looking for a roommate, writing, “No douchebags” is probably the biggest waste of 13 keystrokes. Girl who wrote that, you’re an idiot. Who reads an ad and goes, “Awesome. Penthouse 3 bedroom. Pets okay. No doucheb- aww. Shit.” Get the point? Douchebags who are inherently self aware that they are douchebags don’t exist. Trust me, I’ve done research.

First, I find douchebags. Which is easy, since all I need to do is find any old bloke with an iPhone. Then I conduct my survey.

Me: Hey, man with an iPhone. You’re a douche.
Douche: No I’m not.
Me: Thanks for participating.

Conclusion: douchebags, to themselves, are never “the douchebags.” They’re like terrorists. It’s always the “other people.” They’re only doing God’s bidding by overindulging in spray-on tans and hair gel.