Filed under: observations | Tags: apartment, apartment searching, Craigslist, douchebag, douchebags, New Yorkers, online dating, pets, roommates, smoking, tans
Apartment searching. To any New Yorkers out there, you know that these two words pretty much are synonymous with “another part-time job.”
What you may not know, however, is that the process of apartment searching – aside from loosely representing a dry-hump version of online dating through Craigslist – is a comedic goldmine. Ridiculous apartments, ridiculous roommates, ridiculous locations, and most of all, ridiculous Craigslist ads.
I get it, people have standards for who they want to live with. Personally, I don’t want to live with a sloppy person (think living with girls will solve this problem? Think again. I quickly learned that the amount of dust and mold in your home is not strongly correlated with whether or not there is an abundance of penis.), but that’s a pretty measurable quality. All I need to do is see how clean the place is, and ask how neat the roommates like their things.
Don’t want to live with pets? Ask if the person has pets.
Don’t want to live with smokers? Ask if they smoke.
Don’t want to live with douchebags? Ask…?
No, seriously. What? When you post an ad looking for a roommate, writing, “No douchebags” is probably the biggest waste of 13 keystrokes. Girl who wrote that, you’re an idiot. Who reads an ad and goes, “Awesome. Penthouse 3 bedroom. Pets okay. No doucheb- aww. Shit.” Get the point? Douchebags who are inherently self aware that they are douchebags don’t exist. Trust me, I’ve done research.
First, I find douchebags. Which is easy, since all I need to do is find any old bloke with an iPhone. Then I conduct my survey.
Me: Hey, man with an iPhone. You’re a douche.
Douche: No I’m not.
Me: Thanks for participating.
Conclusion: douchebags, to themselves, are never “the douchebags.” They’re like terrorists. It’s always the “other people.” They’re only doing God’s bidding by overindulging in spray-on tans and hair gel.
Filed under: observations, photoshop | Tags: 3G network, applications, douchebags, Google, Guitar Hero, iPhone
3G. That dumb “I don’t know what I want to eat so I’m going to shake my phone instead” app. Stupid fingertapping music games (and you make fun of people for playing Guitar Hero?)
You like iPhones. I get it. You’re a douche.
iPhones are great. You have Google maps. Which makes you think, “if I ever get lost in a shitty neighborhood, I can take out my iPhone and find my way back.”
Dude, if you get lost in a shitty neighborhood, the last thing you want to be doing is taking out your iPhone. I hope you get mugged.
Filed under: conversations, observations | Tags: biweekly, definition, dick, English, fortnight, genius, hate, love, stupidity
Biweekly is the most retarded word that exists in the English language.
Many of you have argued that it means twice a week, or once every two weeks. As a matter of fact, it means both. Yeah. Exactly. Check it.
So to keep things clear, from now on, I’ll use the word fortnight (fourteen nights – yeah, leave it up to the English language to deprecate perfectly senseful words). Fuck “biweekly.”
Which idiot came up with that idea?
“Hey, here’s a word. It means one thing, but also means something else, and they can both make sense in the same context so the meaning is completely ambiguous.”
“Isn’t that confusing?”
“If by confusing, you mean awesome, then yeah, it’s confusing.”
“You’re a genius! I love you.”
“Thank you. I hate you.”
“What?”
“No, it’s okay. I hate you means I love you too.”
“You’re a dick.”
“Yeah I am.”
Filed under: observations | Tags: blue, girlfriend, high school, memory, minidress, names, Neiman Marcus, remembering, vodka
Ever have a girl come up to you and say, “Hey (your name)! How’s it been?” and you go “Hey! (pause) buddy…”
Not only is it embarrassing that you couldn’t remember this girl’s name, it’s ridiculous because you just called a chick “buddy.”
Whether this person is from high school, from an old party, or past networking event, this situation has happened to the best of us. If it hasn’t, you’re lying.
But behold! There are steps you can take to remember names. Sure, Tina Su gives away 7 Hacks to Remember Any Name on her blog, Think Simple Now, but who needs a 7 Hack system when I can give you a foolproof 3 Hack system?
1) Facebook the girl – nothing helps you remember a girl better once you see all her sloppy pictures in her tiny after hours outfit in Vegas.
2) Search the girl on LinkedIn – if seeing cleavage can’t help you, find out who all her past employers were and associate her name to those companies.
3) Google the girl – if you still need more help, this is the way to find out where she went to high school and what extra curricular activities she participated in.
So next time, when Ms. Came-out-of-nowhere-to-put-you-on-the-spot comes out of nowhere to put you on the spot, you can say, “Hey, Nicole! Good to see you again! How was that night at Kush Lounge? When you wore that blue minidress and drank a cranberry vodka. With your girlfriend Jesse who I couldn’t tell if she was that attractive or not because her profile picture is small. You must have been late to work the next day. Is that how you got fired from Neiman Marcus and downgraded to the Gap?”
She’ll be impressed.
No, really.
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Filed under: observations, stand-up journal | Tags: breakfast, california, chipotle, empathy, flip cam, fremont, gay, guacamole, gym, heinous, home, humans, improv, jamba juice, rip-off, san jose
Home is where I can sleep until 10 and wake up to breakfast already on the table. Where there aren’t any gay guys in the gym, but rather physically challenged, overweight, and heinous looking humans. Where Chipotle doesn’t cost me $10.25 (and no, it’s not fucking okay that your guacamole is $1.85. But I still say yes because I’m damn hungry and I want my flippin’ avocados). Where Jamba Juice is always less than $5, people say “hella”, “hella gay”, and “Frisco.”
Home is Fremont, California.
It is also where I’ve never done stand-up before and where I’ve only seen one show at Rooster T. Feathers.
When I was still trying to book a spot last week, I thought about my current set. Two jokes are about subway posters and a few others aren’t relevant to people living/working in the suburbs. Ten minutes worth of new material would be due if I were to perform this week, which would be fun and a bit challenging, considering that I haven’t been immersed here for quite a while.
I’ve lived on both coasts of the US and always observed the humor differences over state lines. Somehow, I feel it is an advantage of mine – being able to empathize with different communities may be something I can foster and grow to use as a major weapon while I develop as a comedian.
Tomorrow night, I will be checking out the 2008 San Jose IMPROV Comedy Competition SEMI-FINALS. I’m pretty excited to see what the Bay Area talent can bring, and what styles they’ll be going with. Either way, I’ll write about it and maybe even try out my new Flip Video Cam for you guys.
Filed under: observations, video | Tags: Britney Spears, nude, steamy room, Womanizer
I’m beginning to think Britney Spears’ songs have been cleverly disguised ironic statements all along. She’s back again with a new track called Womanizer, in which she appears completely nude in a steamy room.
…
Does she know what a womanizer is?
If I wasn’t one before watching this video, I’m pretty sure I am one now.
Filed under: observations | Tags: Chinese, dirty, food, ghetto, names, New York, restaurant, sex
People have been recommending “Joe’s Shanghai” as a restaurant to me. Really? Joe’s Shanghai?
I’m not sure how I feel about shitty-American-first-name-plus-respective-chinese-city as a good place to eat (I do, however, know how I feel about shitty American first names). But supposedly it really is actually well-received. So I image Googled it, and this is what a found:
It looks kind of ghetto. A little bit dirty. This is good.
Chinese food is like sex. It’s gotta be a little dirty to be good.
Filed under: observations, stand-up journal | Tags: analytical, art, comedy, jokes, musicians, presentations, public speaking, showmanship, speeches
I’ve met a few people who are a bit surprised when they see a comic using the same set more than once, which made me realize that people generally misunderstand the nature of stand-up comedy. The general public doesn’t see comics as artists. They don’t even realize that comics are usually a completely different being on stage – that they’re actors for 10 minutes every show.
This is somehow intertwined with the reason why I think many people are turned off by the idea of seeing a comedian twice. They think they’d be paying to see the same exact thing both times, and I don’t blame them – a lot of comics do pretty much do the same thing twice.
It doesn’t have to be this way! <– [Exclamation point to show my frustration.]
How do musicians keep it fresh? Why do people still go to concerts when they have already heard the song played on the radio? Live experience brings a dimension to the experience that people can’t get from just listening to a prerecorded track. There are elements of improv and interactivity. Great performers bring a show. I believe great comics are also able to insert these elements to their performances. Switch up transitions, switch up delivery, switch up punchlines.
That last suggestion is a bit controversial. A lot of comics will be hesitant to change arguably the most important element of their jokes. This is where I disagree with comics who rely too much on their jokes. I’m no expert, but from spending the last decade of my life studying public speakers – from business presentations to comedy shows – I have found one connecting trait that was common amongst the successful. Great showmanship.
A great comedian is 80% showmanship, 20% jokes. A great comedian can make any topic funny. You can give them shitty jokes and they can turn it into gold. A poor comedian with great jokes is like a paraplegic with new shoes. Useless.
You know that thing you do when you are walking toward a stranger on the road and you both try to go the same direction? Then you do the little hesitation shuffle dance?
Try doing that to an old guy with a cane.
