Filed under: observations, photoshop | Tags: 3G network, applications, douchebags, Google, Guitar Hero, iPhone
3G. That dumb “I don’t know what I want to eat so I’m going to shake my phone instead” app. Stupid fingertapping music games (and you make fun of people for playing Guitar Hero?)
You like iPhones. I get it. You’re a douche.
iPhones are great. You have Google maps. Which makes you think, “if I ever get lost in a shitty neighborhood, I can take out my iPhone and find my way back.”
Dude, if you get lost in a shitty neighborhood, the last thing you want to be doing is taking out your iPhone. I hope you get mugged.
Filed under: conversations, dumb quotes | Tags: bad service, color printer, douchebag, Kinko's, north, shitty service, south, stupid
At a Kinko’s on a late night…
Me: Hi, I need to print color please.
Kinko’s Guy: Sorry, our color printer is broken.
Me: Any other store I can go to?
Kinko’s Guy: Well, there are only a few open 24 hours.
Me: Crap. Okay. Can you tell me which ones?
Kinko’s Guy: (sigh) Alright. Hold on.
Me: (Are you serious? This fucker is giving me attitude for doing his job?)
Me: Actually, can you get me the closest one that’s also south of here. I’m going south.
Kinko’s Guy (with some REAL attitude now): You’re gonna have to tell me if that’s when the numbers go down or up. Don’t give me “north” “south” I don’t know that.
Me: …
Me: It’s when the numbers go down.
—
Congratulations, douchebag. Why Kinko’s hired you is beyond me.
Filed under: photoshop, stand-up journal | Tags: screenplay, spam, Google, puns, comeback, Jo Koy, Comedy Central, Lipstick Jungle
I’ve been gone for too long.
So long, in fact, that Google thinks one of my blogs is spam. I just got an email from Blogger that my blog “has been identified as potential spam. Please request for a review or else your blog will be deleted within 20 days.”
Yes, I was in a slump. Between attending Jo Koy’s Comedy Central Special live taping and becoming sociopathic when I learned Lipstick Jungle was getting axed, I had my fair share of late night Fridays, walking around town alone, talking to myself. This cycle repeated until I realized that that’s how homeless people go crazy, and more importantly, that Lipstick Jungle isn’t getting cancelled. So I grabbed a medium Pinkberry, walked by a homeless guy, and laughed at his misfortune of not having an internet connection to watch Lipstick Jungle on hulu.
I wasn’t depressed. I just needed a break. So now I’m back, refreshed, and better than ever. This ain’t no weak shit comeback a la New Kids on the Block, either. This is a John-McClane-punches-fighter-jets-and-makes-them-explode comeback. I got a whole new slate of show dates to check out. First one is tomorrow night, Saturday, November 22, 8:00 PM at the New York Comedy Club.
The old Writing a Screenplay in 30 Days is getting moved to it’s new home on WordPress. Recently, the screenplay in question had grown by a page. The new blog is still undergoing reorganization and redesign, so please be patient.
That’s it for now. Big things are a comin’.
…
Pun not intended. Until I just realized it. Then I intended it.
Filed under: great finds, video | Tags: chuck, death, PSA, sex, sex education, sexually transmitted infections, sperm, spit, swallow, woodchuck
If you swallow sperm, you will get pregnant.
If you get pregnant, you will die!
And yes, you can potentially get an STI from swallowing sperm.
(One of these things is not like the others…)
Filed under: conversations, observations | Tags: biweekly, definition, dick, English, fortnight, genius, hate, love, stupidity
Biweekly is the most retarded word that exists in the English language.
Many of you have argued that it means twice a week, or once every two weeks. As a matter of fact, it means both. Yeah. Exactly. Check it.
So to keep things clear, from now on, I’ll use the word fortnight (fourteen nights – yeah, leave it up to the English language to deprecate perfectly senseful words). Fuck “biweekly.”
Which idiot came up with that idea?
“Hey, here’s a word. It means one thing, but also means something else, and they can both make sense in the same context so the meaning is completely ambiguous.”
“Isn’t that confusing?”
“If by confusing, you mean awesome, then yeah, it’s confusing.”
“You’re a genius! I love you.”
“Thank you. I hate you.”
“What?”
“No, it’s okay. I hate you means I love you too.”
“You’re a dick.”
“Yeah I am.”
