Filed under: great finds, photography | Tags: airquote, chains, Chanel, gaudy, poor, rich, subway
There are rich people.
There are poor people.
Then, there are these people:
It’s (airquote) Chanel.
Filed under: dumb quotes | Tags: areola, cashiers, clerks, hard, nipples, tip
“My nipples are always hard.”
(Draws on a piece of paper)
“That’s my areola.”
“No, the areola is just the tip.”
—
To reiterate, I don’t make these up. I was in a shop where three time-wasting female cashiers were talking about the subject above. I was amused until one girl “corrected” the other about what the areola is. Then I just wanted to stab her for not knowing her anatomy.
Filed under: observations | Tags: blue, girlfriend, high school, memory, minidress, names, Neiman Marcus, remembering, vodka
Ever have a girl come up to you and say, “Hey (your name)! How’s it been?” and you go “Hey! (pause) buddy…”
Not only is it embarrassing that you couldn’t remember this girl’s name, it’s ridiculous because you just called a chick “buddy.”
Whether this person is from high school, from an old party, or past networking event, this situation has happened to the best of us. If it hasn’t, you’re lying.
But behold! There are steps you can take to remember names. Sure, Tina Su gives away 7 Hacks to Remember Any Name on her blog, Think Simple Now, but who needs a 7 Hack system when I can give you a foolproof 3 Hack system?
1) Facebook the girl – nothing helps you remember a girl better once you see all her sloppy pictures in her tiny after hours outfit in Vegas.
2) Search the girl on LinkedIn – if seeing cleavage can’t help you, find out who all her past employers were and associate her name to those companies.
3) Google the girl – if you still need more help, this is the way to find out where she went to high school and what extra curricular activities she participated in.
So next time, when Ms. Came-out-of-nowhere-to-put-you-on-the-spot comes out of nowhere to put you on the spot, you can say, “Hey, Nicole! Good to see you again! How was that night at Kush Lounge? When you wore that blue minidress and drank a cranberry vodka. With your girlfriend Jesse who I couldn’t tell if she was that attractive or not because her profile picture is small. You must have been late to work the next day. Is that how you got fired from Neiman Marcus and downgraded to the Gap?”
She’ll be impressed.
No, really.
—
Filed under: recommendations, video | Tags: Bay Area, improv, Kyle Cease, laughter, Pillsbury Doughboy, talent
So I’ll be off to go check out some of the Bay Area talent in a bit, slotting the recap for tomorrow. Meanwhile, in the spirit of good comedy, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite Improv sets ever by Kyle Cease.
Gotsta love the organic nature of this one – totally feeding off the energy of the crizzowd. That’s rap for crowd.
Filed under: observations, stand-up journal | Tags: breakfast, california, chipotle, empathy, flip cam, fremont, gay, guacamole, gym, heinous, home, humans, improv, jamba juice, rip-off, san jose
Home is where I can sleep until 10 and wake up to breakfast already on the table. Where there aren’t any gay guys in the gym, but rather physically challenged, overweight, and heinous looking humans. Where Chipotle doesn’t cost me $10.25 (and no, it’s not fucking okay that your guacamole is $1.85. But I still say yes because I’m damn hungry and I want my flippin’ avocados). Where Jamba Juice is always less than $5, people say “hella”, “hella gay”, and “Frisco.”
Home is Fremont, California.
It is also where I’ve never done stand-up before and where I’ve only seen one show at Rooster T. Feathers.
When I was still trying to book a spot last week, I thought about my current set. Two jokes are about subway posters and a few others aren’t relevant to people living/working in the suburbs. Ten minutes worth of new material would be due if I were to perform this week, which would be fun and a bit challenging, considering that I haven’t been immersed here for quite a while.
I’ve lived on both coasts of the US and always observed the humor differences over state lines. Somehow, I feel it is an advantage of mine – being able to empathize with different communities may be something I can foster and grow to use as a major weapon while I develop as a comedian.
Tomorrow night, I will be checking out the 2008 San Jose IMPROV Comedy Competition SEMI-FINALS. I’m pretty excited to see what the Bay Area talent can bring, and what styles they’ll be going with. Either way, I’ll write about it and maybe even try out my new Flip Video Cam for you guys.
Filed under: great finds, video | Tags: best man, bride, disaster, grace under pressure, groom, hit list, maid of honor, marriage, PMS, pool, priest, rings, wedding
A) Call her out on PMS.
B) Push her into the water at her wedding when you’re about to pass off the rings.
But truthfully, if that woman were amazing, she’d laugh it off and be grateful for an eventfully hilarious wedding. Grace under pressure – that’s a woman I’d marry.
Filed under: great finds, stand-up journal, video | Tags: analogies, comedy, teacher, Washington Post, writing
Great comedic writing can often come unexpectedly, like from these samples of analogies “collected by High School English teachers.” And by High School English teachers, I mean that these analogies are the winning entries in a 1999 Washington Post humor contest. The entire list of entries can be found by clicking here.
A few of my favorites:
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
I love the use of verbiage to deploy humor. And non sequiturs, which ironically are often best delivered by people who don’t do it on purpose, but just suck at life, like below.
Filed under: great finds | Tags: breeze, divorce, half, house, overreaction, saw
When you’re going to get a divorce, don’t bother going through the legal system. Get in a heated argument, saw the house in half, and you can both laugh when one of you complains about the unbearable breeze.
Filed under: conversations | Tags: advantages, cheap, city, dating, gold digger, gold digging, gross, money, NYC, pay, prostitution, put out, robbery
Girl I Know: So how do dates go in the city?
Me: Not sure – never been on a date in NYC before. plenty of things to do though.
GIK: Dude, if I lived in the city, I would be a compulsive dater.
GIK: Just to save money.
Me: LOL. Gross.
GIK: And have an opportunity for someone else to pay for me.
Me: Hahaha.
GIK: Well, its not like i would put out.
GIK: What do you take me for?
GIK: Gold digging is not always the same as prostitution.
Me: Actually.
Me: I was say gross to the gold digging.
—
GIK: I think though I’d be the worst kind- I definitely don’t put out.
GIK: It’s like straight robbery.
Filed under: observations, video | Tags: Britney Spears, nude, steamy room, Womanizer
I’m beginning to think Britney Spears’ songs have been cleverly disguised ironic statements all along. She’s back again with a new track called Womanizer, in which she appears completely nude in a steamy room.
…
Does she know what a womanizer is?
If I wasn’t one before watching this video, I’m pretty sure I am one now.
