Filed under: stand-up journal | Tags: 27 Dresses, cockblock, coke, Made of Honor, On Demand, Patrick Dempsey, television, writing
I haven’t been writing much. Yes. It’s been months since I’ve written anything substantial. So excuse these next few paragraphs as I rid myself of my own immaturity.
My inactivity in the realm of writing? I blame television.
Actually, it’s not so much television. It’s OnDemand movies, available in completely worthless cable packages. My eyes have been gently raped by an incredibly questionable selection of movies in the past month:
Hot Rod, The Condemned, She’s All That, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Eagle Eye.
I’ve seen Made of Honor five times1.
My roommate–the dastardly one who holds the cable contract–claims I need better self control. Oh, okay. Sure. Why don’t you take a recovering coke addict, drop ten kilos of coke2 in the middle of his living room, and tell him, “Hey man, self control.”
Yes, I just compared television to coke. Do not call me unreasonable. I KNOW what is unreasonable, and what is unreasonable, is any sane man watching Made of Honor five times.
Whew3.
—
1) Can you blame me? OMGPatrickDempsey. Excited gasp!
2) Contrary to what you may believe, I have no idea how much 10 kilos of coke actually is. All I know is it sounds like you’d get fucked up.
3) Okay. I think I can stay television-sober for a few months until they start playing 27 Dresses every hour again.
Social experiment contest again.
I have one extra ticket to go see Atmosphere on Monday, July 27 at Webster Hall. Doors open at 7:00PM. Write an interesting story about yourself, or something to convince me to bring you, and I’ll pick the best one over the weekend to come with me.
I’m a comedian/writer by night, looking for some random experiences. I have done this contest before, when I had an extra ticket to see the Ting Tings (some of you might have even participated in that contest). The contest was actually quite a success, and I got some interesting anecdotes, shitty jokes, and random-ass spew of emails. I thought it was quite Post-Secret-esque and am going to continue doing this. If you think something like this is completely weird in a bad way, we probably wouldn’t have fun anyway. If you think this is strange, though still slightly entertaining, then give it a shot. It’s a cool excuse to meet interesting people. Convince me.
This contest will go on for two weeks. I will make a decision Friday, July 24, and contact you then. This way you have early enough notice to know if you can go on July 27, the following Monday. If you send a late submission, and it’s REEEEALLLY good, it might work.
Now, get writing!
FAQ
What can I write that’s good enough to get your attention?
Funny isn’t always the best answer. Think about it this way: I have yet to receive a story that is a moving drama. You never know. True stories are always good, doesn’t have to be made up.
How do I know you aren’t the Craiglist killer?
Yeah, that fucker is a buzzkill, especially for cool New Yorkers who have always done some interesting takes on meeting people online. Basically, here’s how we’ll do our best to make sure we aren’t freaks (Hey, for all I know, YOU could be the Craigslist killer). We’d be meeting in completely public places. I’d meet you at Webster Hall. There will be no “coming back to my place for a creepy massage and then I hack you with a machete” going on.
I am already your friend and know you. Can I win?
No.
Filed under: stand-up journal | Tags: 30, 30dayscreenplay, April, blog, comedy, days, futile, internet, love, month, NaNoWriMo, national, New York, novel, Orange County, scarce, screenplay, Script Frenzy, writing
Living without Internet.
Other than what should be a complete oxymoron, living without Internet is pretty much the most inconvenient thing I can do to myself. So unfortunately for you, my blog posts have become scarce, and my comedy updates intermittent.
But we’re back, at least for tonight. Since tonight, is a big night. Not only do I have a new video for YouTube (patience…I will post it soon), it’s also April 1st. If there were ever a month that could be anthropomorphically described as a burning pile of whore, April would be said pile.
Why?
Because I’m a bitter, bitter, human being, and I still remember the terrible loss I suffered from last year’s Script Frenzy, a national contest every April where millions of writers join to try to complete a screenplay in 30 days1, duly documented at the original 30dayscreenplay.blogspot.com. Exactly a year ago I began a journey. Thirty days later, I ended up with a magnificent 13 pages. Pathetic. I cried horribly and ate loads of chocolate while watching 27 Dresses.
But that was Orange County. This is New York. Different time, different story. More importantly – less sun, and a nonexistent love life2. This year, I shall so excruciatingly punish Script Frenzy with my furious typing that Script Frenzy won’t know the difference between brass knuckles to the face and its mother’s warm, welcoming teets3.
So go check it out. 30dayscreenplay. The challenge gets taken on for a second season.
—
1Brought to you by the guys who started National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo), where you write a novel in 30 days. Sherlock, I think I sense a pattern here…
2Okay, my love life was always nonexistent. But really, less sun this year, less distractions.
3See what I did there? I’m trying to say I’m going to punish Script Frenzy so bad that brass knuckles will actually seem nice, much like its mother’s warm, welcoming teets. I think Script Frenzy may be a cow.
Filed under: great finds, photography | Tags: angst, depression, dresser, hate, history, ID card, jealousy, Laguardia High School, teenager, teenagers
Apparently, one of the quirks of owning used furniture is discovering the history/stories behind it.
This morning – after adopting my dresser exactly 9 1/2 months ago – I opened my dresser drawer and noticed the sound of crinkling paper in between the frame and the drawer case. This often happens, as I find old receipts people lost, old pictures, or old movie tickets. Today, I found the story of an angst ridden teenager, secretly lashing out at a classmate.
Who is this Angelina*? Why was she hated? Was she just prettier? Was she a bitch? Did she just happen to steal a boy? Or rather, who was the bitter frenemy with the green marker, the previous owner of my dresser? Was it really that important that she had to scan someone else’s ID in, print it out, and then write on it angrily? Where is she now? Following the birthdate on the ID card, she was born in 87, and so is around 21 years old now.
Hell, are there even two people involved? Maybe this was a girl who hated herself, and felt compelled enough to rant-scribble about it.
Either way, it makes me think of things I tossed out as a kid. Does someone in the world currently own it now? Wouldn’t it be cool if we could learn the history of our belongings?
*Name has been changed to protect this person’s privacy.
Filed under: contest
See you Monday!
Two days ago, I posted a contest about my extra Ting Tings ticket.
Social experiment!
I have one extra ticket to go see the Ting Tings on March 16 at Terminal 5. Write an interesting story about yourself, or something to convince me to bring you, and I’ll pick the best one over the weekend to come with me.
I’m a comedian, looking for some random experiences. If you think something like this is completely weird in a bad way, we probably wouldn’t have fun anyway. If you think this is strange, though still slightly entertaining, then give it a shot. Convince me.
If this doesn’t work out…well I’ll just end up bringing one of my friends. Ha.
Check it: lenyarea.wordpress.com
I’ve got some responses already, actually, and it’s pretty funny. None of them are actually friends that I know. Come on people, I’m pretty much picking Friday night (since I likely won’t have Internet access on Saturday).
And yes, I will actually respond to every single one.
Filed under: observations | Tags: apartment, apartment searching, Craigslist, douchebag, douchebags, New Yorkers, online dating, pets, roommates, smoking, tans
Apartment searching. To any New Yorkers out there, you know that these two words pretty much are synonymous with “another part-time job.”
What you may not know, however, is that the process of apartment searching – aside from loosely representing a dry-hump version of online dating through Craigslist – is a comedic goldmine. Ridiculous apartments, ridiculous roommates, ridiculous locations, and most of all, ridiculous Craigslist ads.
I get it, people have standards for who they want to live with. Personally, I don’t want to live with a sloppy person (think living with girls will solve this problem? Think again. I quickly learned that the amount of dust and mold in your home is not strongly correlated with whether or not there is an abundance of penis.), but that’s a pretty measurable quality. All I need to do is see how clean the place is, and ask how neat the roommates like their things.
Don’t want to live with pets? Ask if the person has pets.
Don’t want to live with smokers? Ask if they smoke.
Don’t want to live with douchebags? Ask…?
No, seriously. What? When you post an ad looking for a roommate, writing, “No douchebags” is probably the biggest waste of 13 keystrokes. Girl who wrote that, you’re an idiot. Who reads an ad and goes, “Awesome. Penthouse 3 bedroom. Pets okay. No doucheb- aww. Shit.” Get the point? Douchebags who are inherently self aware that they are douchebags don’t exist. Trust me, I’ve done research.
First, I find douchebags. Which is easy, since all I need to do is find any old bloke with an iPhone. Then I conduct my survey.
Me: Hey, man with an iPhone. You’re a douche.
Douche: No I’m not.
Me: Thanks for participating.
Conclusion: douchebags, to themselves, are never “the douchebags.” They’re like terrorists. It’s always the “other people.” They’re only doing God’s bidding by overindulging in spray-on tans and hair gel.
Filed under: financial progress, stand-up journal | Tags: Amy Poehler, ASSSSCAT, Cloverfield, Gutbucket, Ken Jeong, Knocked Up, Pete Holmes, Rachel Dratch, Sam Brown, stand-up, The Whitest Kids U'Know, TJ Miller, UCB, Upright Citizen's Brigade, Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
Yes. She does. And my weekend ended with me sitting five rows away from it. It plus a just-was-pregnant Amy Poehler. But let’s start from the beginning. The ghost of the-weekend-of-December-19 beckons…
Friday: Was at office. Long story short, Gutbucket was taking place, picked up my shit, and left. Met Pete Holmes and TJ Miller (claim to fame? He played Hud, the guy who held the camera in Cloverfield) on my first trip to the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre. Spelled theatre, not theater, by the way. If you spell it theater, they’ll stab you. By “they” I mean the ghosts of 26th Street and 8th Avenue, and by “stab you” I mean they won’t. And with the last two sentences, I just made “long story short” into “long story short completely irrelevant.” I’m not sure why I was surprised they were funny, but I was. Best open mic I ever attended. Good karma, by the way, as I brought the good comedic energy over to my performance Saturday night.
Saturday: Wrote a completely new set…that worked. If I can extract the audio, I will for y’all, since the producer’s camcorder broke again. Thanks Jym, Max, and Lara for coming out.
Sunday: I love Ken Jeong. I love Knocked Up. I love Ken Jeong in Knocked Up. I love Knocking Up Ken Jeong. I Ken Jeong Up Knocked (what the hell just happened)? Until 7:30 PM (what the hell just happened?), when I skipped off to watch ASSSSCAT. Bitches.
Strangely enough, Sam Brown from the Whitest Kids U’ Know was there. Almost as interesting as the time I pissed next to Rudy Gay.
Okay, I’m going to stop posting recaps like this. Not only do I hate these, I’m sure you do too. I almost just do it so I don’t forget what happens. In ten years, I want to look back at this crap and say, “Wow, I did that crap on that crap day.” I’m sure it will be very satisfying. If not, at least I can then force my future children to read it to learn that their father is a horrible writer. It will be a good punishment. “You’re not scared of a time-out? Huh? You wanna read daddy’s blog? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So quit crying. Jerk.”
—
Update on financial progress:
Total support to date: 23 people
Previous dollar TOTAL: $8.05
How much I made from 6th Bringer Show: $15
Cost of DVD from 6th Bringer Show: $0
TOTAL: $23.05
Filed under: financial progress, great finds, stand-up journal | Tags: bills, challenge, clutch, hardschool, laughs, opening, punches, set
Everyone always has their eyes on the closer. In a relay. In basketball. In the courtroom.
Clutch.
However, I recently got slapped in the face with the realization that being the opener at a stand-up show is one of the most difficult challenges. I think the only slot that could possibly be worse is the check slot1.
During an opener slot, people are ordering their drinks and figuring out where to sit. They’re catching up with their friends who they haven’t seen. No one is listening. Unless you kick their asses hardschool.
Which is exactly what I didn’t do. In fact, the single big laugh I got that night was my closing statement:
“Well. I prepared a 10 minute set for you guys tonight…but I guess all I really learned is maybe I’m not that funny.”
Nice. There was a crowd of probably a good 100 people, my biggest ever. It’s a shame that it went the way it did, but better sooner than later. I suddenly felt for all the hosts I ever thought weren’t that funny. Well, a lot of them still aren’t, but at least I know it’s not as easy as a normal set. If I ever open again, I’ll know to keep my punches hard and quick to the front. And maybe even throw in a couple of roundhouse kicks. Dangerfield style.
If only I could show this picture at a stand-up performance:
—
1 The slot when the waitress comes to settle everyone’s bills.
Thanks Ashwin, Jeremy, and Yooni for coming out and sticking through one of my less glorious moments. At least the rest of the comics had swell receptions that night.
Update on financial progress:
Total support to date: 21 people
Previous dollar TOTAL: $6.95
How much I made from 5th Bringer Show: $15
Cost of DVD from 5th Bringer Show: $0
TOTAL: $8.05
Filed under: audio, great finds, recommendations | Tags: babies, Irked Minions, music, Ratatat, Rick Lucy, White Town, Your Woman
You trust me to send you the best musical discoveries.
You trust me to hold your babies.
You trust me to give you Rick Lucy – Irked Minions.
Think White Town’s Your Woman laid on a hot Ratatat track.
